All Zoods

  The Perfect Drink for Each Zodiac Sign, Poured by the Astrominals We opened the Astrominals’ café for one afternoon. Twelve customers, twelve orders, and one very stressed waiter. Here’s what each sign ordered. Aries: Arri’s fiery ginger beer Fizzy, spicy and gone in one gulp. Arri drank it before it reached the table, then asked if it came in a bucket. Taurus: Taur’s deluxe hot chocolate Whipped cream, marshmallows, chocolate flakes, a second layer of whipped cream. Served in a mug the size of a bucket, which made Arri very jealous. Gemini: Gem & Eye’s half-and-half milkshake Half strawberry, half chocolate, two straws. They argued about which half was better for twenty minutes, then swapped halves. Cancer: Canny’s cup of chamomile tea Warm, soothing and served in a mug Canny made by hand. It’s a hug in a cup. Canny brought enough for everyone, just in case. Leo: Leo’s fruit punch extravaganza Tall glass, golden straw, three paper umbrellas, a sparkler and a slice of every fruit in the kitchen. He didn’t drink much of it. He mostly posed with it. Virgo: Virgo’s green smoothie Spinach, apple and cucumber, blended for exactly ninety seconds and poured to a line Virgo drew on the glass. Very healthy. Very green. Very precise. Libra: Libby’s pink lemonade Perfectly balanced, half sweet, half sharp, and the exact shade of a flamingo. She sipped it on one leg and got the whole café to agree it was the prettiest drink there. Scorpio: Score’s dark blackcurrant cordial Deep, dark and mysterious. Nobody knows whether Score likes it. She won’t say. She has finished it, though, every single time. Sagittarius: Sagg’s iced tea from somewhere far away Sagg ordered something off the menu, from a country the waiter had never heard of. Nobody knows how Sagg got it. It was delicious. Capricorn: Cap’s cup of tea, brewed for exactly four minutes No nonsense, no sprinkles, no umbrellas. Cap timed the brewing with a stopwatch and drank it while finishing a spreadsheet. Aquarius: Aqua’s bubble tea Chewy, bubbly and a bit unusual, just like Aqua. She also invented a straw that dispenses the bubbles one at a time. Nobody asked for it. Everybody wanted one. Pisces: Pike’s lavender lemonade Dreamy, calming and smelling of a summer meadow. Pike sipped it slowly while staring out of the window, and forgot to finish it. It’s still there. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, raise a glass to the Astrominals. Just mind Arri. He’s after your drink.

  The Best Music Genre for Each Zodiac Sign, Picked by the Astrominals The Astrominals tried to form one big band. It lasted eight seconds. So instead, each of them started their own. Here’s the perfect music for every sign. Aries: Arri plays punk rock Fast, loud and over in ninety seconds. Arri’s songs are so short he’s played a whole concert while everyone else was still tuning up. His drum kit lasts about one song. Taurus: Taur loves classic soul Smooth, warm and best enjoyed lying down. Taur’s favourite songs are the same ones he’s loved for years, played on the same record player, from the same armchair. Gemini: Gem & Eye do hip hop duets Two voices, lightning-fast lyrics and finishing each other’s lines. They’ve never written down a single song. They just start talking and it becomes one. Cancer: Canny sings big ballads Every song is about home, family or someone Canny misses. Canny cries while singing, the audience cries while listening, and the sound engineer cries while mixing. Leo: Leo is a pop superstar Glitter, spotlights, a costume change every song and a backing troupe of twelve dancers. Leo’s music is catchy. Leo’s ego is catchier. Virgo: Virgo plays classical The orchestra is perfectly in time, every note exactly where it should be. Virgo plays second violin at the very back, where nobody can see, and is secretly the best musician there. Libra: Libby sings country pop A pink cowboy hat, a sparkly guitar and songs about being fair to everyone. Libby’s biggest hit is a duet with herself, so nobody feels left out. Scorpio: Score loves a film score Of course she does. Dramatic, mysterious and full of tension, with a big moment when the music drops. Score walks into rooms to her own soundtrack. Nobody knows where it’s coming from. Sagittarius: Sagg loves world music Afrobeat, samba, reggae and something from a mountain village nobody can pronounce. Sagg brings home a new instrument from every trip. The house now holds 64 drums. Capricorn: Cap plays in a brass band Disciplined, organised and always marching in step. Cap plays the tuba, turns up to practice ten minutes early and has a five-year plan for the band. Aquarius: Aqua makes electronic music Synths, beeps and sounds nobody’s ever heard before, made on machines she built herself. Her latest track is 40 minutes long and partly in Morse code. Pisces: Pike makes dreamy pop Soft, floaty and sounding like it was recorded underwater, which it was. Pike writes beautiful songs, then forgets the words halfway through, and makes up better ones. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, turn it up and dance like nobody’s watching. (Leo will be watching. Leo is always watching.)

  Zodiac Signs as Cartoon Characters, Matched by the Astrominals First, the Astrominals would like to make one thing clear: they are not cartoon characters. They are real animals who happen to be star signs. With that settled, here’s the cartoon twin of every sign. Aries: Arri is Taz the Tasmanian Devil A spinning whirlwind that crashes through everything in its path. Arri watched one episode and said, “Finally, someone who gets it.” Taurus: Taur is Winnie the Pooh Gentle, kind and always thinking about his next snack. Pooh has a honey pot. Taur has a honey pot, a biscuit tin and a fridge. Gemini: Gem & Eye are Phineas and Ferb Two of them, a hundred plans a day, and every summer holiday packed with ideas. The twins have started building a rollercoaster in the garden. Cap is drawing up the paperwork. Cancer: Canny is Chilli Heeler from Bluey The warm, patient mum who keeps the whole family going, and still finds time to play. Canny watches Bluey every evening and cries at every episode. Every one. Leo: Leo is Lightning McQueen Fast, flashy, loves an audience and has his own catchphrase. Leo has started saying “Ka-roar!” every time he enters a room. Nobody has asked him to stop. Yet. Virgo: Virgo is Velma from Scooby-Doo The clever, quiet one who notices every clue and solves the mystery while everyone else is running about. Virgo has also lost the same pair of glasses once a week since 2019. Libra: Libby is a Care Bear Kind, gentle, rainbow-tummied and dedicated to everyone getting along. There’s even one called Harmony Bear. Libby says it’s very nearly a flamingo. Scorpio: Score is Gru from Despicable Me A secret lair, a mysterious reputation and a soft heart hidden underneath. Score doesn’t have Minions. Score says this is “none of your business”. Sagittarius: Sagg is Dora the Explorer Always off on an adventure, always excited, always ready to go. There’s one big difference: Dora brings a map. Sagg does not. Capricorn: Cap is Bob the Builder “Can we fix it?” Yes, Cap can, on time, on budget and with a hard hat that’s always perfectly straight. Aquarius: Aqua is Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory A brilliant inventor with a secret lab, a hundred experiments and very little patience for interruptions. Aqua’s lab is in a lighthouse. The “Keep Out” sign is in Morse code. Pisces: Pike is Dory from Finding Nemo A friendly, dreamy fish who forgets things, swims wherever the current takes her and always finds her way in the end. Pike watched Finding Nemo for the first time. Then again, because she’d forgotten. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, we’re all a bit cartoony sometimes. (The Astrominals are still not cartoons. Arri has asked us to mention it again.)

  The Best Dog Breed for Each Zodiac Sign, Picked by the Astrominals The Astrominals are all animals already, so you’d think they wouldn’t need a dog. You’d be wrong. They all want one. Here’s the perfect pup for every sign. Aries Arri and the Jack Russell Terrier Small dog, enormous attitude. A Jack Russell thinks it’s in charge, never stops running and has never once lost an argument with a bin. Arri took one look and said, “That’s me, but shorter.” Taurus Taur and the St Bernard Big, gentle, calm, and very serious about dinner. A St Bernard carries a little barrel of snacks round its neck, which Taur considers the finest design in the history of dogs. Gemini Gem & Eye and a Chihuahua and a Great Dane They couldn’t agree, so they got one of each, the smallest dog and the tallest dog. Now they walk them together, one looking up, one looking down, both talking the whole time. Cancer Canny and the Boxer Boxers look like they’re worried about something, which Canny relates to deeply. They’re loyal, protective and big softies on the inside. Canny knitted it a jumper on day one. Leo Leo and the Shiba Inu The Shiba Inu is famous for looking extremely pleased with itself at all times. Leo met one and finally understood what everyone else sees when they look at him. They now pose for photos together, chins up, both convinced they’re the star. Virgo Virgo and the Border Collie The cleverest, tidiest dog there is, and famously brilliant at organising sheep. Virgo is a sheep. Virgo has never felt so looked after, or so neatly arranged. Libra Libby and the Afghan Hound Glamorous, graceful and with hair that floats in the breeze. Libby and her Afghan spend their mornings being brushed and their afternoons being admired. Both are equally fabulous. Libby made sure. Scorpio Score and the Dalmatian A Dalmatian has a lot of spots. Score has counted every single one, and written them down, and will know if one goes missing. Sagittarius Sagg and the Labrador A Lab will go anywhere, swim in anything and come home covered in mud with a huge smile. Sagg’s Labrador has been to more countries than most people, and has the stickers on its lead to prove it. Capricorn Cap and the German Shepherd Hard-working, sensible, always on duty. Cap’s German Shepherd has a job title, a timetable and its own little clipboard. It’s the best-run dog in the country. Aquarius Aqua and the Dachshund Long, low and full of surprises. It’s the only dog small enough to ride in Aqua’s pouch, and long enough to stick out of both ends. Aqua has fitted it with a tiny jetpack. It has not yet been tested. Pisces Pike and the Golden Retriever Gentle, loving and obsessed with water. Pike and her Golden Retriever spend hours by the pond, gazing at their reflections. They’ve perfected the puppy-dog eyes. Both of them. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, the best dog is the one that loves you back. Which is all of them. Especially the one that just ate your sock.

  The Best Hobby for Each Zodiac Sign, Chosen by the Astrominals One rainy Saturday, the Astrominals were all stuck indoors with nothing to do. By Sunday, every one of them had a new hobby, and the house had a new hole in the wall. Here’s the perfect pastime for every sign. Aries: Arri builds flat-pack furniture At top speed, without reading the instructions. Every wardrobe Arri builds is finished in nine minutes and has three screws left over. The wardrobes mostly stand up. Taurus: Taur bakes Bread, cakes, pies, biscuits. Taur is a brilliant baker. Very few people have ever tasted his baking, because Taur eats it all while it’s still cooling. Gemini: Gem & Eye host a podcast Two hosts, no guests, no topic and no time limit. Episode one is called “Hello”. It’s eleven hours long. It has a surprisingly large audience. Cancer: Canny makes scrapbooks Every birthday, every holiday, every nice afternoon, glued into a scrapbook with captions, stickers and a pressed flower. Canny has 412 scrapbooks. Canny needs a scrapbook to keep track of them. Leo: Leo does amateur dramatics Leo has played the lead in every production at the local theatre, including one written for a cast of children. He brought the house down. The house was mostly his fans. Virgo: Virgo does jigsaw puzzles The 5,000-piece ones. Edges first, sorted by colour, then sorted again by shade. When Virgo finds a piece missing, Virgo can’t sleep until it turns up. (It’s always under Taur.) Libra: Libby arranges flowers Every vase perfectly balanced, every bloom in harmony, and every bouquet slightly pink. She takes three hours on each one, then asks everybody which one is their favourite. Scorpio: Score does escape rooms The record for the hardest escape room in the country is 58 minutes. Score did it in six, then pointed out a clue the designers didn’t know was there. Sagittarius: Sagg goes geocaching A treasure hunt using GPS, all over the world? Sagg was born for it. Sagg has found 900 hidden treasures, lost three phones and accidentally discovered a small island. Capricorn: Cap builds model railways The trains run perfectly on time. There’s a tiny timetable, a tiny station master and a tiny board meeting every Monday. Cap has never been happier. Aquarius: Aqua builds robots Out of old toasters, broken umbrellas and whatever she finds in her pouch. Her latest robot does the washing up. Her robot before that does the washing up badly and argues about it. Pisces: Pike writes poetry Poems about the moon, the sea, the colour blue and a duck she met once. Pike writes them on whatever’s nearby: napkins, leaves, Taur’s shopping list. Taur has never had such a beautiful shopping list. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, the best hobby is the one that makes you lose track of time. Just like Gem & Eye’s podcast. Episode two is coming soon. It’s twelve hours long.