Let’s contemplate where each of the 12 zodiac signs rank, from 12 to 1, on how successful they are in their pursuit of happiness. I mean, isn’t that what everyone is busy searching for…other than the remote control!

Starting at number 12 we have Scorpios…Crikey, I dare say Scorpios are perpetually stuck at the last place in this pursuit of happiness. They are too busy plotting revenge on literally everyone to have time for happiness. They generally celebrate joy with scowls and frowns, it’s like they’ve confused Smiley Day with Halloween!

Coming in at number 11, it’s the Librans. They’re so busy balancing and tip-toeing on scales that they keep falling off the happiness-wagon. Honey, stop trying to please everyone, just pick a side and maybe… just maybe…you can move up a step!

Aquarians, you’re at number 10. You’re called ‘water bearers’ but I swear, it’s like you’re carrying the weight of the world and then some! Lighten up, your vision for utopia can wait, take a day off, have some ice cream!

Sagittarians at number 9…Oh bless your hearts… Always off on some grand quest for wisdom and truth and adventure and… and… and, they forget where they set their happiness down. Like where are my keys? Sag, next time tie a string around it!

Capricorns at number 8, you lot are wound up tighter than a Swiss watch! Seriously, relax your ears, your star sign isn’t a career advice hotline!

Ah, number 7…Virgos! Detail-oriented…and when I say detail-oriented, I mean probably have a detailed catalogue of their farts. Happiness isn’t in the minute details, it’s in the broader nonsense!

Pisceans! At number 6, they are drowning, folks! Drowning in a sea of emotions and creativity and another bucketload of emotions. It’s like they’re on a never-ending rollercoaster, weeee…and I forgot my underwear, weeee…and I’m Nicki Minaj, weeee…

Number 5, Aries. Oh, Aries, they’re indeed the rams! Ramming everywhere and butting their head into happiness and saying, “MINE! ALL MINE!” But watch out, they often butt themselves out of the happy arena altogether.

Number 4, Leo. Look, Leos, the sun doesn’t rise where you set, okay? The main stage is not your natural habitat! Sometimes happiness is backstage, sipping tea, you don’t always have to roar!

Cancer comes in at number 3. They’re so in tune with their emotions that they might just have them on speed dial: “Hey sadness, it was lovely talking to you, let’s meet happiness for lunch… oh hello, anger? Catch you at dinner, don’t be late!”

Taurus at number 2. Half human, half bull, all scoffers! Their mantra is “Will work for food!” Stuff them with food, sit them on a sofa, and they’re tickling the belly of happiness, I swear.

And, of course, at number 1, in hot pursuit, if they haven’t cornered Happiness down a dead-end alley and shrieked, “GOTCHA!” at it already, we have the Gemini. They’ve perfected the art of being in two places at once: misery and joy. They are actually a pair, so if one is unhappy, the other one is erm… raring to go!

And so ladies and gentlemen, there you have it! The completely ludicrous, entirely unscientific, and possibly inaccurate joy-O-meter for all our celestial classes. If it’s consolation, worry not, because apparently my sign, Capricorn, says I’m supposed to be funnier!

Who knew happiness could be such a riot!