We asked each of the twelve Astrominals one simple question: what are the ten best things about being you? Nobody struggled to fill the list. Several asked for more room. Leo asked for a second page
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Best Drivers by Zodiac Sign: The Astrominals Take Their Driving Test All twelve Astrominals took their driving test on the same day, with the same examiner. He has since retired to a quiet cottage with no road access. Here are the results, from worst to best. 12. Arri the Rhino (Aries) Arri passed the test in four minutes, which is impressive, because it’s supposed to take forty. He did the whole route in reverse “to make it more interesting” and used his horn as a bumper. Result: fail, but very quickly. 11. Gem & Eye (Gemini) Two toucans, one steering wheel, a lot of opinions. Gem wanted to turn left, Eye wanted to turn right, so they went straight on and talked about it for nine miles. Result: fail. Great chat, though. 10. Pike the Fish (Pisces) Pike drove beautifully, slowly and dreamily, all the way to the seaside. The test centre was in the other direction. She didn’t notice. She’d seen a lovely cloud. Result: fail. Lovely day out. 9. Leo the Lion (Leo) Leo spent the whole test checking his mane in the rear-view mirror. He waved to everyone he passed, including a lamppost, which he thought was a fan. Result: fail. Leo has asked for a recount. 8. Libby the Flamingo (Libra) Libby came to a fork in the road and couldn’t decide which way was fairer. She’s still there, on one leg, weighing up both options. The examiner brought her a sandwich. Result: pending. 7. Sagg the Zebra (Sagittarius) Sagg took a “quick detour” down a farm track, across a field and over a small hill, “just to see what’s there”. A map was offered. Sagg said maps are for people who know where they’re going. Result: pass on driving, fail on arriving. 6. Aqua the Pelican (Aquarius) Aqua turned up in a solar-powered hover car she built herself, then let it drive itself while she read a book. It drove perfectly. The examiner wasn’t sure who to give the certificate to. Result: the car passed. 5. Canny the Crab (Cancer) Canny drove carefully, brought snacks for the examiner and asked if he was warm enough. The only problem was that Canny drove the whole route sideways. Very safely. But sideways. Result: pass, with a note about the sideways bit. 4. Taur the Bull (Taurus) Slow, steady and absolutely unshakeable. Taur drove at exactly the same speed the whole way, stopped once for a snack, and refused to be rushed by anyone, including the examiner. Result: pass. Eventually. 3. Score (Scorpio) Score knew every speed camera, every pothole and every short cut before she set off. She also knew the examiner’s middle name. Nobody knows how. Result: pass. Examiner slightly unnerved. 2. Cap the Goat (Capricorn) Cap drove at exactly the speed limit, indicated a full five seconds before every turn and parked perfectly in one go. Cap also handed the examiner a written report on the route, with suggestions for improvement. Result: pass, with honours. 1. Virgo the Shy Sheep (Virgo) Mirror, signal, manoeuvre, every single time, with perfect hand positions and a car so clean it sparkled. Virgo was too shy to look at the examiner the whole time, but the driving was flawless. Result: full marks. Virgo hid behind the car to celebrate. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, buckle up, check your mirrors and never, ever let Arri drive.
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The Most Artistic Zodiac Signs, Ranked by the Astrominals We gave all twelve Astrominals a blank canvas, a box of paints and one afternoon. Here’s how they ranked, from “please put the brush down” to “hang it in a gallery”. 12. Arri the Rhino (Aries) Arri started forty paintings in the first ten minutes and finished none of them. Then he charged through the canvas to see what was behind it. It was a wall. He painted that. 11. Taur the Bull (Taurus) Taur painted a bowl of fruit. Then he ate the fruit. The painting is now called “Empty Bowl” and Taur says it was the plan all along. 10. Cap the Goat (Capricorn) Cap didn’t paint anything. Cap delivered a 40-slide presentation explaining why Cap’s painting would have been the best, with a five-year plan to become the Picasso of the farm. 9. Sagg the Zebra (Sagittarius) Sagg forgot to bring a canvas, so Sagg painted the kitchen table, two chairs and part of the dog. Sagg’s own stripes have never been touched. “Already a masterpiece.” 8. Score (Scorpio) Score painted something brilliant, then covered it with a sheet and won’t let anyone look. “You’re not ready,” she says. We may never be ready. 7. Gem & Eye (Gemini) They started painting, switched to sculpture, switched to knitting, then made a podcast about all three. Two beaks, two brushes, two completely different paintings on one canvas. 6. Virgo the Shy Sheep (Virgo) Virgo’s painting is perfect. Every brushstroke is exactly where it should be. It’s taken eleven years so far, and Virgo is on the second leaf. 5. Aqua the Pelican (Aquarius) Aqua painted something so modern and abstract that even Aqua doesn’t know what it is. Experts say it’s either a sunset, a circuit board or a map of Mars. Aqua says, “Yes.” 4. Leo the Lion (Leo) Leo is a great artist, as long as the subject is Leo. His collection includes “Leo at Dawn”, “Leo at Dusk” and “Leo Looking at a Painting of Leo”. All in gold frames, obviously. 3. Libby the Flamingo (Libra) Libby has wonderful taste. Everything’s beautifully balanced, perfectly framed and very, very pink. She spent three hours deciding between two shades of pink, then used both. 2. Canny the Crab (Cancer) Canny is the Astrominals’ Creative Director and paints from the heart. Every picture is of someone Canny loves, and every person who gets one cries. Canny cries too. It’s a lot of crying, but it’s beautiful crying. 1. Pike the Fish (Pisces) Pike doesn’t paint pictures. Pike paints dreams. Watercolours so soft and swirly you feel like you’re floating. She has no idea where any of her paintings are, though. One is in a pond. So which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, the best art is the kind you have fun making. Even if it’s on the dog. (Sorry, dog.)
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The Happiest Zodiac Signs, Ranked by the Astrominals Aqua built a Joy-O-Meter. It measures happiness in “grins”, and it’s only exploded twice. We pointed it at every Astrominal. Here are the results, from 12 to 1. (Everyone’s happy. Some just hide it better.) 12. Cap the Goat (Capricorn) Cap is very happy, in theory. Happiness is on the to-do list, scheduled for Thursday at 3pm, straight after the budget meeting. Thursday keeps getting moved. Joy-O-Meter: 3 grins, pending. 11. Virgo the Shy Sheep (Virgo) Virgo is happy, but worried about whether it’s being happy correctly. Virgo has read four books on happiness and taken notes. Joy-O-Meter: 4 grins, colour-coded. 10. Score (Scorpio) Score is perfectly happy. She just doesn’t see why everyone needs to know about it. Score smiled once in 2019. Witnesses still talk about it. Joy-O-Meter: reading classified. 9. Libby the Flamingo (Libra) Libby will be happy the moment everyone else is happy. Everyone else is never quite all happy at the same time. She’s working on it, on one leg. Joy-O-Meter: 5 grins, shared equally. 8. Aqua the Pelican (Aquarius) Aqua is happiest alone in her workshop, inventing something nobody understands. When it works, she does a very small dance that nobody is allowed to see. Joy-O-Meter: 6 grins. (She built the meter, so it may be biased.) 7. Canny the Crab (Cancer) Canny feels everything, all the time. Happy tears, sad tears, tears at adverts. The Joy-O-Meter got a bit damp. Joy-O-Meter: 7 grins and a tissue. 6. Leo the Lion (Leo) Leo is ecstatically happy whenever someone’s clapping. When nobody’s clapping, Leo starts clapping for himself, just to keep things going. Joy-O-Meter: 7 grins, applause-dependent. 5. Arri the Rhino (Aries) Arri is gloriously happy at full speed. Put him in a queue and the Joy-O-Meter drops like a stone. Put him on an open field and it goes off the scale. Joy-O-Meter: 2 grins or 10 grins. No middle setting. 4. Pike the Fish (Pisces) Pike drifts through life in a happy daydream, delighted by clouds, puddles and the way the light hits the pond. Nothing much bothers her, mainly because she hasn’t noticed it. Joy-O-Meter: 8 grins, floating. 3. Gem & Eye (Gemini) There are two of them, so at least one is always cheerful, and the cheerful one cheers up the other one in about four seconds flat. Joy-O-Meter: 8 grins each. That’s 16. They checked. 2. Taur the Bull (Taurus) A sofa. A blanket. A big plate of snacks. Taur has found the secret of happiness and it’s mostly in the kitchen. Joy-O-Meter: 9 grins, slightly sleepy. 1. Sagg the Zebra (Sagittarius) The zodiac’s biggest optimist. Sagg’s luggage got lost, it rained for a fortnight and the tent blew away, and Sagg called it “the best trip ever”. Sagg meant it. Joy-O-Meter: broke the meter. Aqua is building a bigger one. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, happiness isn’t a race. Unless you’re Arri. Then it’s definitely a race, and he’s already won.
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The Most Tech-Savvy Zodiac Signs, Ranked by the Astrominals We gave every Astrominal a brand-new tablet and asked them to send us a photo. Some managed it in seconds. One sent us a photo of their own ear. Here’s the ranking, from 12 to 1. 12. Taur the Bull (Taurus) Taur still uses the phone he bought in 2009, and it still works, because he’s only ever used it to order pizza. He held the tablet for a while, then used it as a tray for his snacks. 11. Canny the Crab (Cancer) Canny loves a video call with the family. Unfortunately, claws and touchscreens don’t mix, so most calls are a very close-up view of Canny saying, “Can you hear me? Can you see me? I love you!” 10. Pike the Fish (Pisces) Pike thinks “the cloud” is an actual cloud and keeps looking up to see if her photos are in it. She’s also dropped three phones in the pond. On purpose. “They looked thirsty.” 9. Arri the Rhino (Aries) Arri always gets the newest gadget first. He also breaks it first, usually within an hour, usually by pressing every button at once. 8. Libby the Flamingo (Libra) Libby is great with technology, as long as it comes in pink. She spent four days choosing between two phone cases, then bought a second phone so she could use both. 7. Sagg the Zebra (Sagittarius) Sagg has the most amazing photos from all over the world, on a phone that’s been dead since Peru. The charger is in Norway. Sagg is fine with this. 6. Leo the Lion (Leo) Leo has a million followers and has never posted anything himself. Fans do it for him. He’s mostly an expert at one button: the selfie button. 5. Cap the Goat (Capricorn) Cap is a spreadsheet wizard. Formulas, charts, pivot tables, the lot. Cap also refuses every software update, because “the old version works perfectly well, thank you.” 4. Virgo the Shy Sheep (Virgo) Virgo reads the whole instruction manual before switching anything on. All 300 pages. Then sets everything up perfectly, with every app in alphabetical order and colour-coded folders. 3. Score (Scorpio) Score has three passwords for everything, two backups of every file and a lock on her lock screen. Nobody has ever got into Score’s phone. Score has never told anyone what’s on it. 2. Gem & Eye (Gemini) They don’t so much use technology as chat with it. They ask the voice assistant twenty questions an hour and have long debates with the sat nav. The sat nav has started asking them for advice. 1. Aqua the Pelican (Aquarius) Aqua didn’t bother with the tablet. She built her own, which folds into her pouch, runs on sunlight and, she says, will make sense to everyone else in about 2031. She’s the Astrominals’ Chief Innovation Officer for a reason. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, if your tech goes wrong, try turning it off and on again. Unless you’re Taur. Then just order a pizza.
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The 10 Best Things About Being a Libra, by Libby the Flamingo We asked Libby the Flamingo, the Libra Astrominal, to write a list of the ten best things about being a Libra (23 September – 22 October). She said she’d love to. Then she asked whether it should be ten, or whether nine would feel more balanced, or eleven, so nobody felt left out. We said ten. She said ten was lovely. 1. We’re fair Libra’s symbol is the scales. Everything has to be even. Same-sized slices of cake. Same number of turns. Same amount of time on the swing. Fair’s fair. 2. We make peace If two friends fall out, call a Libra. We’ll listen to both sides, nod a lot, and somehow everyone ends up sharing a sandwich. 3. We’re ruled by Venus Venus is the planet of beauty and kindness. Which explains why Libras are so lovely. We didn’t say it. Venus did. 4. We have excellent taste The right colours. The right cushions. The right shade of pink. A Libra just knows. (It’s flamingo pink. It’s always flamingo pink.) 5. We’re brilliant friends Libras love company. We’ll remember your favourite things, laugh at your jokes and tell you when there’s spinach in your teeth. Gently. 6. We see the good in everyone Even Score, when she’s being mysterious. Even Arri, when he’s knocked something over. Everyone has a lovely side. We find it. 7. We’re graceful I can stand on one leg for hours. I can also stand on the other leg for hours. I just can’t decide which one to start with. 8. We’re great listeners Tell a Libra your problem and we’ll give it our full attention. Then we’ll give you both sides of it. Then we’ll give you a hug. 9. We love beautiful things Sunsets, music, art, a nicely laid table. Life’s better when it’s lovely, and a Libra makes sure it is. 10. We take our time Some people call it indecisive. We call it thorough. The best choices are worth waiting for. Probably. Let me think about it. Libby says: “That’s ten. I think. Should number seven be number three? No. Leave it. It’s lovely as it is.” Think you might be a Libra at heart? Take the quiz, or meet Libby the Flamingo and the rest of Team Air. Astrological and zoological. Illogically logical.
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The 10 Best Things About Being a Cancer, by Canny the Crab We asked Canny the Crab, the Cancer Astrominal, to write a list of the ten best things about being a Cancer (21 June – 22 July). Canny said yes straight away, made everyone a cup of tea first, and asked if we’d eaten. 1. We look after people If you’re poorly, sad or just a bit tired, a Cancer will notice before you do. And then there will be soup. 2. Our home is our happy place A crab carries its home on its back. A Cancer makes everywhere feel like home. Even a tent. Even a waiting room. Give us five minutes and a cushion. 3. We remember everything Your birthday. Your favourite colour. The thing you said in Year 3 that made everyone laugh. It’s all in there, safely stored. 4. We’re ruled by the Moon The Moon moves the tides, lights up the night and looks after the sea creatures. It’s basically a Cancer in space. 5. We give the best hugs Both claws. Proper squeeze. Comes with a pat on the back. Five stars. 6. We’re tougher than we look Hard shell, soft middle. People think the soft bit is the weakness. It isn’t. It’s the reason the shell is there. 7. We feel things deeply Happy films, sad films, adverts with puppies in. If it’s got a heart, a Cancer will feel it. That’s not a weakness either. Hang on. I need a tissue. 8. We’re incredibly loyal Once you’re in a Cancer’s circle, you’re family. You’ll get a Christmas card. You’ll get a birthday card. You might get a card for no reason at all. 9. We know what people need Sometimes it’s advice. Sometimes it’s a sandwich. A Cancer can tell the difference before you’ve said a word. 10. We make everyone feel welcome New kid at school? Sit with the crab. We’ve saved you a seat. We always save a seat. Canny says: “That’s ten lovely things. Now, has everyone had a biscuit? I made extra. I always make extra.” Think you might be a Cancer at heart? Take the quiz, or meet Canny the Crab and the rest of Team Water. Astrological and zoological. Illogically logical.
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The 10 Best Things About Being a Capricorn, by Cap the Goat We asked Cap the Goat, the Capricorn Astrominal, to write a list of the ten best things about being a Capricorn (22 December – 19 January). Cap sent it back a day early, with a contents page and a short summary at the top that said: “Capricorns: very good. Details below.” 1. We set goals, and reach them Other signs say “one day”. Capricorns say “Thursday”. Then it’s done by Wednesday. 2. We’re excellent climbers Goats can climb cliffs that look impossible. Capricorns climb problems that look impossible. Same technique: one careful step at a time. 3. We’re dependable Need something done properly? Ask a Capricorn. We’ll do it right the first time, so nobody has to do it twice. 4. We’re ruled by Saturn Saturn is the planet of hard work, patience and very impressive rings. We’d like to point out it has a lot of rings. It earned them. 5. We’re secretly very funny Capricorns have the driest sense of humour in the zodiac. You might not notice the joke. That’s part of the joke. 6. We get better with age Capricorns are born a bit grown-up and then get more relaxed every year. By ninety we’ll be the life and soul of the party. 7. We’re good with money Every penny counts. A Capricorn’s piggy bank is never empty. It’s also labelled, and has a five-year plan. 8. We’re patient The mountain isn’t going anywhere. Neither are we. We’ll get to the top. We’ve packed a sandwich. 9. We’re loyal A Capricorn doesn’t make friends quickly, but when we do, it’s for keeps. We’ll still be there in forty years. Probably organising the reunion. 10. We finish things The last page of the book. The last bit of the jigsaw. The last step to the top. Capricorns don’t stop at nearly. Cap says: “Ten points, delivered as promised. Next year: twelve. I’ve already drafted them.” Think you might be a Capricorn at heart? Take the quiz, or meet Cap the Goat and the rest of Team Earth. Astrological and zoological. Illogically logical.
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The 10 Best Things About Being a Sagittarius, by Sagg the Zebra We asked Sagg the Zebra, the Sagittarius Astrominal, to write a list of the ten best things about being a Sagittarius (22 November – 21 December). The list arrived on four postcards, from four different places. One of them just said “Number 6 is a secret. You’ll have to come and find it.” We found it. It was in a tent. 1. We love adventure Mountains, jungles, the bus to somewhere we’ve never been. A Sagittarius sees a path and wonders where it goes. Then goes. 2. We’re optimistic Raining? Puddles. Lost? Exploring. Wrong bus? New adventure. A Sagittarius finds the bright side, even when it’s very well hidden. 3. We’re ruled by Jupiter Jupiter is the biggest planet in the solar system. Big planet. Big dreams. Big laugh. It all makes sense. 4. Every one of us is unique No two zebras have exactly the same stripes. No two Sagittarians have exactly the same plans. Usually because we change them on the way. 5. We’re honest Ask a Sagittarius what they think and you’ll get the truth, with a smile. We don’t sugar-coat. We do sometimes add sprinkles. 6. We make the best stories Because we’ve been there, done that and fallen in the river. Twice. Ask a Sagittarius about their holiday. Bring snacks. It’s a long one. 7. We love learning New languages, new foods, new facts about volcanoes. The world is enormous, and a Sagittarius wants to know all of it. 8. We’re great fun If there’s laughing, there’s probably a Sagittarius in the middle of it. Possibly wearing a hat from another country. 9. We’re free spirits Fences are for other animals. A Sagittarius needs room to run, room to roam and room to change their mind. 10. We’re always up for it Trip to the beach? Yes. Climbing wall? Yes. Something nobody’s tried before? Especially yes. Sagg says: “That’s ten. Now I need a new list. Ten places I haven’t been yet. I’ve already started packing.” Think you might be a Sagittarius at heart? Take the quiz, or meet Sagg the Zebra and the rest of Team Fire. Astrological and zoological. Illogically logical.
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The 10 Best Things About Being an Aquarius, by Aqua the Pelican We asked Aqua the Pelican, the Aquarius Astrominal, to write a list of the ten best things about being an Aquarius (20 January – 18 February). She asked if it had to be a list. Could it be a diagram? A song? A small robot that reads it aloud? We said a list. She said lists were “very last century”, then wrote a brilliant one anyway. 1. We think differently Everyone else sees a cardboard box. An Aquarius sees a spaceship, a castle and a filing system for snails. Sometimes all at once. 2. We’re inventors If something doesn’t exist yet, an Aquarius will build it. If it already exists, an Aquarius will build a better one. With extra buttons. 3. We’re ruled by Uranus Uranus is the planet that spins on its side. Every other planet goes one way. Uranus goes its own way. We approve. 4. We care about the whole world Aquarius is the humanitarian of the zodiac. Saving the oceans, planting trees, making sure everyone gets a turn. Big hearts. Big beaks. 5. We’re friendly to everyone The new kid. The odd kid. The kid who knows every fact about trains. Aquarians love anyone who’s a bit different. Different is our favourite. 6. We’re independent An Aquarius doesn’t need to follow the crowd. Sometimes the crowd ends up following us. We didn’t plan that. It just happens. 7. We’re ahead of our time What an Aquarius is into today, everyone else will be into in five years. You heard it here first. 8. We carry the water Aquarius is the Water Carrier. I carry mine in my beak. A bucket would have been far too obvious. 9. We ask brilliant questions Why? Why not? What if? What if it was purple? Most great discoveries start with an Aquarius asking a question nobody else thought of. 10. We make the future more fun A world with Aquarians in it is a world with more ideas, more inventions and more odd socks. You’re welcome. Aqua says: “That’s ten. Next time, can I do it as an interpretive dance?” Think you might be an Aquarius at heart? Take the quiz, or meet Aqua the Pelican and the rest of Team Air. Astrological and zoological. Illogically logical.
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