A Christmas Carol: The Astrominals Edition
Twelve alternative endings Charles Dickens did not see coming.
You know the story. Ebenezer Scrooge, a miserable old miser, is warned by the ghost of his dead business partner, Jacob Marley. Three spirits visit him on Christmas Eve: the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present and the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. By morning he is a changed man. He buys the prize turkey, raises Bob Cratchit’s wages, and Tiny Tim says “God bless us, every one.”
It works beautifully. For Scrooge.
But what starsign was Scrooge?
What if he had been an Astrominal? Here are twelve theories.
NB.The ghosts would like it on record that they were not consulted.
Virgo Ebenezer(Virgo the Sheep)
Marley’s warning: Virgo isn’t mean with money, just extremely precise with it. Bob’s coal is rationed to the lump. When Marley arrives, Virgo notices his chains are tangled, quietly untangles them, and labels each cash box.
Christmas Past: Points out three historical inaccuracies in the ghost’s account, and that it should really be wearing gloves when handling memories.
Christmas Present: Looks at the Cratchits’ household budget and fixes it. They are now saving fourteen percent a month.
Christmas Yet To Come: Virgo is shown her own gravestone. It is spelt wrong. This is the moment the transformation begins.
The result: Total redemption, delivered as a forty-page document titled The Cratchit Christmas Improvement Plan, with appendices. Tiny Tim gets the best doctors in London, booked eight months in advance. The headstone is corrected. The ghosts adopt Virgo’s process for next year.
Moral: The devil is in the detail. So is Christmas.
Libra Ebenezer(Libby the Flamingo)
Marley’s warning: The whole story depends on Scrooge deciding to change. Libby has never decided anything in her life. Marley delivers his warning. Libby replies, “I hear you, and I think you make some really valid points.”
Christmas Past: Libby asks if they could also hear Belle’s side of the break-up. And the landlord’s. And Fezziwig’s accountant’s.
Christmas Present: Libby tries to mediate between the ghost and herself.
Christmas Yet To Come: The ghost never speaks, which Libby finds very restful, since there’s nobody to disagree with. Then she asks it, “So what do you think I should do?” It points. “Yes, but pointing at what, exactly?”
The result: On Christmas morning, Libby leans out of the window and asks the boy below to fetch the prize turkey. Or the second-best turkey. The boy waits seven hours. In the end she buys both, sending one to the Cratchits and one to the poulterer’s own family, because it’s only fair.
Moral: Balance is beautiful. But eventually somebody has to eat.
Taurus Ebenezer(Taur the Bull)
Marley’s warning: Marley rattles his chains at the foot of the bed. Taur does not get up. “We’ll talk after breakfast.”
Christmas Past: The ghost takes Taur back to old Fezziwig’s Christmas party. Taur finds the buffet and refuses to leave. The ghost has to come back for him at dawn.
Christmas Present: A giant spirit appears, surrounded by roast meats, plum puddings and mince pies. For the first time all night, Taur is genuinely moved. He asks for recipes.
Christmas Yet To Come: The ghost shows Taur his own lonely grave. Taur is horrified, but only because somebody in the vision has clearly moved his armchair.
The result: Taur does change. Slowly. Over eleven years. One cheese board at a time. On Christmas Day 1854 he finally sends the Cratchits a turkey, and it is the most magnificent turkey ever reared. Tiny Tim is now a grown man with a beard, but he says “God bless us, every one” anyway, because Taur insisted on doing it properly.
Moral: Change is lovely. Done slowly. Ideally not at all.
Pisces Ebenezer(Pike the Fish)
Marley’s warning: Pike isn’t mean. She’s simply drifted so far into her own dreams that she forgot Christmas was happening. Marley has to say his whole speech three times before she notices him.
Christmas Past: She drifts happily into her own memories and decides to live there. The ghost has to coax her out, very gently, like a cat from under a bed.
Christmas Present: So moved by the Cratchits’ tiny, loving Christmas that she gives them everything she owns, including the house. Then she apologises for not having more.
Christmas Yet To Come: Pike looks at her own forgotten grave and finds it hauntingly beautiful. She writes a poem about it on the spot. The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come weeps. She is the only Scrooge in history to make a ghost cry.
The result: Redemption through art. Pike paints a portrait of the Cratchit family on Christmas Day. In 1987 it sells at auction for a fortune, and Tiny Tim’s great-great-great-grandchildren are set for life. Pike would be delighted, if she remembered.
Moral: Kindness ripples outward. Sometimes for 150 years.
Sagittarius Ebenezer(Sagg the Zebra)
Marley’s warning: Marley turns up at midnight. Sagg isn’t in. He’s left a note pinned to the door: “Off for a cheeky Christmas break, Back in the New Year ….maybe”
Christmas Past: Catches up with Sagg on an overnight sleeer to Paris. Sagg loves it. “Time travel? Brilliant. Can we do Ancient Egypt next?”
Christmas Present: Finds him on a gondola in Venice and has to give the whole speech over the sound of an accordion.
Christmas Yet To Come: Finally catches Sagg in a hot-air balloon over the Alps and points dramatically at a gravestone, which is now six thousand feet below them.
The result: Sagg redeems himself in the most Sagg way possible: by taking the entire Cratchit family on a round-the-world trip. Unfortunately, he forgets to mention that Bob still has a job, or that it is in fact Christmas. Tiny Tim learns to ride a camel. Bob returns in April to find he’s been promoted, because nobody else knew how the office worked.
Moral: The world is a gift. Remember to tell people where you’ve taken them.
Gemini Ebenezer(Gem and Eye the toucans)
Marley’s warning: There are two Scrooges. One is a miser. The other is the life and soul of the party. Marley haunts the wrong one, who simply says, “Ooh, a ghost! Wait there, I’ll get my brother.”
Christmas Past: The generous twin commentates the whole visitation like a football pundit while the miserly one sulks. “And here’s young Ebenezer, alone at school. Ooh, that’s a tough watch.”
Christmas Present: They interview Tiny Tim. Then the Ghost of Christmas Present. Then each other.
Christmas Yet To Come: The silent spirit points at a gravestone. The twins spend forty minutes arguing about whose grave it is.
The result: They redeem each other, then swap personalities at New Year. Bob Cratchit gets a pay rise, then a pay cut, then a pay rise. He has started keeping a diary. Historians now believe the diary is the reason he never fully recovered.
Moral: Two heads are better than one. Unless they’re both talking.
Scorpio Ebenezer(Score the Lobster)
Marley’s warning: Score keeps a ledger, but it isn’t money she counts. It’s grudges. Marley appears. Score doesn’t even look up. “Jacob. You owe me four shillings from 1831.”
Christmas Past: She corrects the ghost on several details. She remembers everything. She was there. She has notes.
Christmas Present: The ghost proudly reveals the Cratchits’ Christmas pudding. Score already knew about the pudding. She knows what’s in the pudding.
Christmas Yet To Come: She is shown thieves selling her bed curtains after her death. She studies their faces very carefully. The ghost begins to feel nervous for them.
The result: Redeemed, but entirely on her own terms. The Cratchits receive a fortune, anonymously, and Tiny Tim is assigned a discreet bodyguard. Meanwhile three particular curtain thieves find, mysteriously, that no shop in London will ever sell them anything again.
Moral: Never cross a Scorpio. Not even after she’s dead. Especially not then.
Cancer Ebenezer(Canny the Crab)
Marley’s warning: Canny is a miser, but only because once, back in 1821, nobody said thank you for a lovely homemade scarf. Canny has been in the shell ever since. Marley arrives, and Canny immediately asks if he’s eaten.
Christmas Past: Canny cries at every memory. Including the happy ones. Including some that belong to the ghost.
Christmas Present: The spirit shows Canny the Cratchits laughing round their tiny table. Canny is devastated: “They’re having a lovely time… without me?“
Christmas Yet To Come: An empty funeral. Nobody came. This is Canny’s worst nightmare and the ghost, frankly, feels terrible about it.
The result: Canny over-redeems. Wildly. Moves in with the Cratchits on Boxing Day, cooks every single meal, knits Tiny Tim four hundred jumpers and labels every family photo. By February, the Cratchits gently ask for “a little bit of space”. Canny takes it really well. Canny cries for nine days.
Moral: Love is the greatest gift. In sensible portions.
Capricorn Ebenezer(Cap the Goat)
Marley’s warning: Of all the Astrominals, Cap is the closest to the original Scrooge. Cold office. Tiny coal ration. “Bah, humbug” every morning before work, and after it, and during it. For the first two ghosts the story goes almost exactly as Dickens wrote it.
Christmas Past and Present: Cap watches both visitations closely, taking notes, in a chunky green turtleneck.
Christmas Yet To Come: This is where everything changes. Shown the lonely grave, Cap doesn’t weep. Cap runs a cost-benefit analysis. Conclusion: being miserly has had a catastrophic return on investment. Dying unloved represents a very poor legacy yield.
The result: Redemption, as a strategic pivot. Bob Cratchit is promoted to Deputy Finance Director. Tiny Tim is enrolled on a fully funded apprenticeship scheme. Christmas becomes, for the first time in history, profitable. The three ghosts each receive a formal performance review, and the Ghost of Christmas Present is put on an improvement plan for “excessive feasting”.
Moral: Kindness is the best investment you’ll ever make. Cap has the figures to prove it.
Leo Ebenezer(Leo the Lion)
Marley’s warning: Marley appears in a cloud of eerie green light, clanking his chains. Leo’s first reaction is outrage: “Why do you get the dramatic entrance?”
Christmas Past: Shown his younger self, Leo is delighted. “Look at me! I was adorable. Can we stay here a bit longer? Can we watch it again?”
Christmas Present: Leo spots the Cratchits making a grudging toast “to Mr Leo”. He insists on standing up and giving a speech, even though nobody can see him.
Christmas Yet To Come: An unmarked grave. Nobody visits. Nobody remembers his name. For a lion, this is the worst horror imaginable: being irrelevant.
The result: Redemption through publicity. Leo buys the biggest turkey in London and delivers it personally in a parade, with a brass band, fireworks, and himself riding on top of the turkey. Tiny Tim is given a starring role. Leo still says the famous last line himself, because, honestly, he has the better voice.
Moral: It’s not about the presents. It’s about the presence. Leo has applied to trademark this.
Aries Ebenezer(Arri the Rhino)
Marley’s warning: Marley appears, dragging his heavy chains, and moans that Arri will be visited by three spirits. Arri’s only question: “Can I have the chains? They’d make brilliant weights.”
Christmas Past: The ghost begins to show Arri his childhood. Arri skips ahead. “I know, I was there. Next.”
Christmas Present: Before the spirit has finished the words “Behold, the Cratchit family”, Arri has charged straight through the bedroom wall to buy them a turkey.
Christmas Yet To Come: Still putting its hood on when it hears that Arri has already redeemed himself.
The result: Fully reformed by 12:07am. Bob Cratchit gets a pay rise, the biggest turkey in London and a new front door, because Arri delivered the turkey through the old one. The ghosts claimed overtime for a night they didn’t work. The builders were there until March.
Moral: Real change takes one night. Arri takes nine minutes. The plastering takes six weeks.
Aquarius Ebenezer(Aqua the Pelican)
Marley’s warning: For Aqua, the ghosts aren’t terrifying. They’re fascinating data. She asks Marley how the chains are attached when he no longer has a solid body.
Christmas Past: She concludes that the visions are a form of projection technology and asks if she can see the wiring.
Christmas Present: She wants to know how the spirit can be in two places at once, and takes several measurements.
Christmas Yet To Come: “Is this future fixed, or is it a probability?” The spirit shrugs. Aqua is thrilled. If the future can be changed, it’s not a prophecy. It’s an engineering problem.
The result: She redesigns Christmas from the ground up. Tiny Tim gets a self-propelling steam chariot. The Cratchits get central heating about sixty years before anyone else in England. The Industrial Revolution speeds up by a decade, and the ghosts, having been thoroughly investigated, ask for their autonomy back.
Moral: The future isn’t written. Aqua is writing it. In a notebook. In code.
The Redemption League Table
How quickly would each Astrominal Scrooge see the light?
| Astrominal Scrooge | Time to redemption | Turkey delivered | What the ghosts said afterwards |
|---|---|---|---|
| Virgothe Sheep | 40 pages | Booked in advance | “She improved our process” |
| Libbythe Flamingo | Still deciding | Both turkeys | “We felt heard” |
| Taurthe Bull | 11 years | 1854, magnificent | “Worth the wait” |
| Pikethe Fish | 150 years (via art) | Forgot the turkey | “We cried” |
| Saggthe Zebra | 3 countries later | Via camel | “Hard to find” |
| Gem & Eyethe Toucans | Twice | Then taken back | “Which one was it?” |
| Scorethe Lobster | On her terms | Anonymously | “She has a file on us” |
| Cannythe Crab | Instant | Plus 400 jumpers | “We feel so cared for” |
| Capthe Goat | 1 strategic review | With a business case | “We got appraised” |
| Leothe Lion | 1 night | By parade | “He narrated us” |
| Arrithe Rhino | 9 minutes | Through the front door | “We weren’t needed” |
| Aquathe Pelican | Engineered | By steam chariot | “She patented one of us” |
So which Astrominal would make the best Scrooge? Find out which one you are...