The Perfect Christmas for Each Astrominal
Twelve animals. Twelve star signs. One tragically small office kitchenette. And one very long December.
Your star sign doesn’t just decide whether you’re a morning person or why you can’t keep a houseplant alive. It decides how you do Christmas: what you buy, what you secretly expect back, what your tree looks like, and exactly how Christmas Day goes off the rails.
The Astrominals have done the research, mostly by accident. Find your sign. Then apologise to your family.
FireSign
Arri the Rhino (Aries) — The Christmas That Starts in November
Gifts: All bought on 1st November in a single fourteen-minute sprint through a shopping centre, using the horn as a trolley. No sizes were checked. Everybody gets a kettlebell. Toys come pre-assembled because the instructions “were slowing him down”, and every box contains three spare screws, which is how you know Arri has built it.
Expects to receive: Nothing, technically, because at 11:58pm on Christmas Eve he “just checks one” and then goes through the pile under the tree like a woodchipper with feelings.
Decorating: The tree goes up at 6am on 1st December. It goes up quite literally, through the ceiling. “It’s a statement.” The lights are plugged in before they are untangled, and they now form a single glowing knot the size of a family car. The neighbours call it “the comet”.
Christmas Day: Dinner is served at 9:15am. The turkey is “rare, it’s fine”. Arri wins every board game by flipping the board, which he records as a victory. By 2pm he is asleep standing up, still wearing an oven glove.
And Finally: The Astrominals Office Secret Santa
One Christmas, all twelve took part in an office Secret Santa. Virgo organised it, with a spreadsheet. Cap set the budget at £5. Leo spent £500, on a gift for himself, “by mistake”. Arri announced who he’d got within four seconds. Score already knew who everyone had. Libby couldn’t choose between two £2.50 gifts and so bought both. Taur gave exactly what he gave last year, to a different person. Gem & Eye swapped names twice and accidentally got each other. Sagg forgot entirely, and gave a used bus ticket from Peru with the words “it’s the journey” written on the back. Aqua’s gift hasn’t been invented yet. Pike wrote a poem. And Canny bought a present for every single person in the building, including the cleaner, the postman and a pigeon that had wandered in.
It was, everybody agreed, the best Christmas ever.
