Astro

  The Dream Home for Each Zodiac Sign, Picked by the Astrominals Welcome to Astrominal Estates, the only estate agent in the zodiac. Our motto: “Location, location, constellation.” Here’s the dream home for every sign. Aries: Arri’s castle on top of a volcano The highest spot, the best view and a moat that occasionally turns into lava. Arri calls it a pool party. Arrive early. Arri will have already started. Taurus: Taur’s underground burrow Cosy, round, deep underground and fitted with a snack bar in every room. The armchair is built into the wall, so nobody can move it. Not even Taur. Especially not Taur. Gemini: Gem & Eye’s treehouse duplex Two treehouses joined by a rope bridge, one for each twin. They never use the separate halves. They’re always on the bridge, talking. Cancer: Canny’s cottage by the sea A little house by the rock pools, with a kettle always on, a spare room always made up, and a front door that’s never locked. It’s so cosy that visitors come for tea and stay a fortnight. Leo: Leo’s mansion in the hills A red carpet up the drive, a mirror in every room and a machine that plays applause whenever he walks through the front door. The gates are gold. So is the doorbell. It plays his name. Virgo: Virgo’s spotless minimalist house White walls, clear surfaces, everything in its place. It’s so clean even the dust gives up and moves next door. Virgo still dusts it twice a day, just in case. Libra: Libby’s pink houseboat The perfect balance of land, water and sky, all in shades of pink. She spent six months choosing the cushions. She chose all of them. Scorpio: Score’s secret cave You can only get in through an underwater tunnel, so it’s lucky Score always wears her diving helmet. Nobody knows exactly where it is. Score likes it that way. Sagittarius: Sagg’s camper van Why live in one place when you can live in all of them? Sagg’s home has wheels, a roof tent and stickers from 41 countries. The postman has given up. Capricorn: Cap’s cabin on a mountain top After a lifetime of climbing mountains, Cap decided to own one. The log cabin is solar-powered, perfectly insulated and costed to the penny. Visitors need climbing boots. Aquarius: Aqua’s lighthouse laboratory A lighthouse by the sea, with a lab at every level and a telescope at the top. The light still works, but these days it mostly flashes her inventions’ test results in Morse code. Pisces: Pike’s cottage at the bottom of a lake Full of fairy lights, seashells, and paintings she hasn’t finished. Fish swim past the windows, and Pike waves at every one of them. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, home is wherever your favourite people are. Even if they’ve parked a camper van on your drive.

  The Perfect Car for Each Zodiac Sign, Chosen by the Astrominals The Astrominals went to a car showroom together. The salesperson has since taken up gardening. Here’s the car every sign drove home in. Aries Starting with fiery Aries, they’d zoom around in something bold, like a bright red Ferrari. Sleek, fast, represents their impulsive nature perfectly! If it catches fire, even better – it matches their hair they dyed on a whim last Tuesday! Taurus Next, we have the practical Taurus. Good ol’ Bull needs stability; their ideal ride is a Pickup truck. Safe, strong and very practical just like them. Watch out for road rage though; if you anger them, they might just challenge your Ferrari to a bullfight! Gemini Then comes Gemini. For these chatterboxes on wheels, we need a hatchback with an inbuilt espresso machine and Wi-Fi, as they like to multitask. Geminis always want to go in two directions at once, so maybe we need to invent a two-front-ended car for them? Or maybe a dual control car like Driving Instructors have? Cancer Cancer, the homebody of theAstrominals, would choose a huge luxury RV. Their ‘home on wheels’ stuffed full of comfort items like fluffy pillows, and family photo frames. Remember folks, you can take a Cancer out of their home, but you can never take the home out of a Cancer. Leo Leos, the big cats, need something regal to parade around in. A Rolls-Royce Phantom fits perfectly, preferably in gold, because everything they touch or drive needs to shine like their personality. Virgo Virgos, they’re all about environment and practicality, so an efficient hybrid vehicle for these Earth signs. Charging stations will be marked on their meticulously planned GPS maps, with a reserved parking spot next to the organic fruit stand. Libra Waving to the Libra! They need something balanced and sleek. A sleek Mercedes suits them. One that can impress their significant other, and confuse their ex. Win-win! Scorpio Scorpios are the enigmatic ones. They don’t just drive – they have a mission! A black, tinted-window SUV for them. Behind those dark glasses, they’re probably just heading for a grocery run, but they love giving off the vibe that they’re about to save the world. Sagittarius Then comes the Sagittarius, the globetrotting adventurer. A tricked out VW Camper van with the latest GPS Sea Nav, surf board on the roof, archery target on the back and sporting stickers from all the countries they’ve visited on their travels. They may wander, they may roam, but lost? Never! Capricorn Capricorns need something to reflect their steady, success-oriented nature. Give them a vintage Land Rover – rugged and reliable, built on tradition and built to last. They’d probably set the accelerator to limit it at exactly the speed limit – rule followers, these goats! Aquarius Ah, Aquarius, the eccentric intellectual. How about a state-of-the-art electric solar powered hover car  They’re living in 2050 while we’re stuck here trying to convince Geminis that two-front-ended cars don’t exist…yet! Pisces Last but never least, the dreamy Pisces. For them, they’ve gone for a VW like Aqua, but this time it’s the classic Beetle. A bit quirky, and it doesn’t look that different to their Fish bowl. But with a half-done custom-painted psychedelic sixties vibes that they started but got distracted from…“Oh look, is that a cat wearing glasses? I had a dream that I was riding a unicorn last night” Aries: Arri’s bright red sports car Fast, loud and red. Arri tested it by driving straight out of the showroom without opening the doors. The showroom now has a rhino-shaped hole. Arri paid for the car and the wall. Taurus: Taur’s big comfy pickup truck Strong, steady and with a seat so comfy Taur has fallen asleep in it twice. The back is full of snacks. The cab is full of more snacks. Gemini: Gem & Eye’s car with two steering wheels Like a driving instructor’s car, but both twins drive at once. It goes wherever they agree to go, which is usually round the roundabout eleven times while they discuss it. Cancer: Canny’s motorhome A home on wheels, with a kitchen, a cosy bed, family photos on every wall and a kettle that’s always on. Canny never needs to leave home, because home comes too. Leo: Leo’s golden limousine A red carpet unrolls when the door opens, and the horn plays a fanfare. It’s very long. It’s very gold. It’s very Leo. Virgo: Virgo’s spotless electric car Quiet, efficient and so clean it sparkles. Virgo has a little hoover for the floor, a cloth for the dashboard and a laminated card with the tyre pressures on it. Libra: Libby’s pink convertible Elegant, perfectly balanced and the exact shade of a flamingo. She drives with the roof down so her feathers float in the breeze. She spent a month choosing the colour. It was always going to be pink. Scorpio: Score’s black car with tinted windows Nobody can see in. Score is usually just popping to the shops, but it looks like she’s on a top-secret mission. That’s the point. Sagittarius: Sagg’s camper van Surfboard on the roof, stickers from every country, and a map in the glovebox that’s never been unfolded. Sagg drove off the forecourt and hasn’t been seen since. Postcards suggest Portugal. Capricorn: Cap’s sensible off-roader Rugged, reliable and built for climbing mountains. Cap reads the whole manual, sets the speed limiter to exactly the speed limit and keeps a logbook of every journey. Aquarius: Aqua’s solar-powered hover car She built it herself in the lighthouse. It flies, runs on sunshine and talks back. It’s mostly fine, except for the time it hovered to Norway without her. Pisces: Pike’s half-painted Beetle A classic Beetle that Pike started painting with swirly rainbow patterns, then got distracted by a cloud halfway through. One side is a masterpiece. The other side is still beige. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, buckle up and enjoy the

  Zodiac Signs as Superheroes: Which Hero Is Your Astrominal? The Astrominals held auditions for a superhero team. Everyone got in, mainly because Libby was on the judging panel and couldn’t bear to say no. Here’s the hero behind every sign. Aries: Arri is the Hulk Big, strong and charges first, thinks later. Arri doesn’t need a gamma ray to get green and grumpy, just a slow queue. His catchphrase is “Arri smash!”, and he usually does. Taurus: Taur is Groot A gentle giant of very few words, and those words are mostly “Mm.” Taur is calm, loyal and impossible to move once he’s planted himself, just like a tree. Gemini: Gem & Eye are Spider-Man Swinging about, cracking jokes and never, ever stopping talking, even mid-fight. They’d make a brilliant Spider-Man. They’d also argue about who gets to wear the mask. Cancer: Canny is Elastigirl The superhero whose real superpower is looking after the whole family. Canny can stretch to make tea, pack lunches and give hugs all at the same time. Leo: Leo is Thor The flowing mane, the dramatic entrances, the thunder that follows him everywhere. Leo has also started carrying a hammer, mainly so he can hold it up in photos. Virgo: Virgo is Ant-Man The hero who saves the day by getting small and sorting out the tiny details nobody else noticed. Virgo especially loves the bit where nobody can see you. Libra: Libby is Black Panther A wise and fair ruler who keeps the whole kingdom in balance. Libby’s version is pinker, and every decision takes a little longer, but it’s always fair. Scorpio: Score is Batman Dark, secretive, a brilliant detective with a gadget for everything. Score already has the cave. She also has a diving helmet, which Batman doesn’t, so she says she wins. Sagittarius: Sagg is Superman Flying around the world, saving the day and always believing everything will work out. Sagg has only one weakness, and it isn’t kryptonite. It’s staying in one place. Capricorn: Cap is Captain America The name’s half right already. Disciplined, dependable and always has a plan. Cap’s shield has a to-do list printed on the back. Aquarius: Aqua is Iron Man Why wait for superpowers when you can invent your own? Aqua has built twelve super-suits so far. One folds into her pouch. One is slightly damp. Pisces: Pike is Aquaman A hero of the sea who talks to fish. Pike doesn’t need the trident. She just asks the fish nicely, and they’re always happy to help. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, you’ve got a superpower of your own. Unless you’re Taur, whose superpower is the nap. That still counts.

  The Perfect Drink for Each Zodiac Sign, Poured by the Astrominals We opened the Astrominals’ café for one afternoon. Twelve customers, twelve orders, and one very stressed waiter. Here’s what each sign ordered. Aries: Arri’s fiery ginger beer Fizzy, spicy and gone in one gulp. Arri drank it before it reached the table, then asked if it came in a bucket. Taurus: Taur’s deluxe hot chocolate Whipped cream, marshmallows, chocolate flakes, a second layer of whipped cream. Served in a mug the size of a bucket, which made Arri very jealous. Gemini: Gem & Eye’s half-and-half milkshake Half strawberry, half chocolate, two straws. They argued about which half was better for twenty minutes, then swapped halves. Cancer: Canny’s cup of chamomile tea Warm, soothing and served in a mug Canny made by hand. It’s a hug in a cup. Canny brought enough for everyone, just in case. Leo: Leo’s fruit punch extravaganza Tall glass, golden straw, three paper umbrellas, a sparkler and a slice of every fruit in the kitchen. He didn’t drink much of it. He mostly posed with it. Virgo: Virgo’s green smoothie Spinach, apple and cucumber, blended for exactly ninety seconds and poured to a line Virgo drew on the glass. Very healthy. Very green. Very precise. Libra: Libby’s pink lemonade Perfectly balanced, half sweet, half sharp, and the exact shade of a flamingo. She sipped it on one leg and got the whole café to agree it was the prettiest drink there. Scorpio: Score’s dark blackcurrant cordial Deep, dark and mysterious. Nobody knows whether Score likes it. She won’t say. She has finished it, though, every single time. Sagittarius: Sagg’s iced tea from somewhere far away Sagg ordered something off the menu, from a country the waiter had never heard of. Nobody knows how Sagg got it. It was delicious. Capricorn: Cap’s cup of tea, brewed for exactly four minutes No nonsense, no sprinkles, no umbrellas. Cap timed the brewing with a stopwatch and drank it while finishing a spreadsheet. Aquarius: Aqua’s bubble tea Chewy, bubbly and a bit unusual, just like Aqua. She also invented a straw that dispenses the bubbles one at a time. Nobody asked for it. Everybody wanted one. Pisces: Pike’s lavender lemonade Dreamy, calming and smelling of a summer meadow. Pike sipped it slowly while staring out of the window, and forgot to finish it. It’s still there. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, raise a glass to the Astrominals. Just mind Arri. He’s after your drink.

  The Best Music Genre for Each Zodiac Sign, Picked by the Astrominals The Astrominals tried to form one big band. It lasted eight seconds. So instead, each of them started their own. Here’s the perfect music for every sign. Aries: Arri plays punk rock Fast, loud and over in ninety seconds. Arri’s songs are so short he’s played a whole concert while everyone else was still tuning up. His drum kit lasts about one song. Taurus: Taur loves classic soul Smooth, warm and best enjoyed lying down. Taur’s favourite songs are the same ones he’s loved for years, played on the same record player, from the same armchair. Gemini: Gem & Eye do hip hop duets Two voices, lightning-fast lyrics and finishing each other’s lines. They’ve never written down a single song. They just start talking and it becomes one. Cancer: Canny sings big ballads Every song is about home, family or someone Canny misses. Canny cries while singing, the audience cries while listening, and the sound engineer cries while mixing. Leo: Leo is a pop superstar Glitter, spotlights, a costume change every song and a backing troupe of twelve dancers. Leo’s music is catchy. Leo’s ego is catchier. Virgo: Virgo plays classical The orchestra is perfectly in time, every note exactly where it should be. Virgo plays second violin at the very back, where nobody can see, and is secretly the best musician there. Libra: Libby sings country pop A pink cowboy hat, a sparkly guitar and songs about being fair to everyone. Libby’s biggest hit is a duet with herself, so nobody feels left out. Scorpio: Score loves a film score Of course she does. Dramatic, mysterious and full of tension, with a big moment when the music drops. Score walks into rooms to her own soundtrack. Nobody knows where it’s coming from. Sagittarius: Sagg loves world music Afrobeat, samba, reggae and something from a mountain village nobody can pronounce. Sagg brings home a new instrument from every trip. The house now holds 64 drums. Capricorn: Cap plays in a brass band Disciplined, organised and always marching in step. Cap plays the tuba, turns up to practice ten minutes early and has a five-year plan for the band. Aquarius: Aqua makes electronic music Synths, beeps and sounds nobody’s ever heard before, made on machines she built herself. Her latest track is 40 minutes long and partly in Morse code. Pisces: Pike makes dreamy pop Soft, floaty and sounding like it was recorded underwater, which it was. Pike writes beautiful songs, then forgets the words halfway through, and makes up better ones. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, turn it up and dance like nobody’s watching. (Leo will be watching. Leo is always watching.)

  Zodiac Signs as Cartoon Characters, Matched by the Astrominals First, the Astrominals would like to make one thing clear: they are not cartoon characters. They are real animals who happen to be star signs. With that settled, here’s the cartoon twin of every sign. Aries: Arri is Taz the Tasmanian Devil A spinning whirlwind that crashes through everything in its path. Arri watched one episode and said, “Finally, someone who gets it.” Taurus: Taur is Winnie the Pooh Gentle, kind and always thinking about his next snack. Pooh has a honey pot. Taur has a honey pot, a biscuit tin and a fridge. Gemini: Gem & Eye are Phineas and Ferb Two of them, a hundred plans a day, and every summer holiday packed with ideas. The twins have started building a rollercoaster in the garden. Cap is drawing up the paperwork. Cancer: Canny is Chilli Heeler from Bluey The warm, patient mum who keeps the whole family going, and still finds time to play. Canny watches Bluey every evening and cries at every episode. Every one. Leo: Leo is Lightning McQueen Fast, flashy, loves an audience and has his own catchphrase. Leo has started saying “Ka-roar!” every time he enters a room. Nobody has asked him to stop. Yet. Virgo: Virgo is Velma from Scooby-Doo The clever, quiet one who notices every clue and solves the mystery while everyone else is running about. Virgo has also lost the same pair of glasses once a week since 2019. Libra: Libby is a Care Bear Kind, gentle, rainbow-tummied and dedicated to everyone getting along. There’s even one called Harmony Bear. Libby says it’s very nearly a flamingo. Scorpio: Score is Gru from Despicable Me A secret lair, a mysterious reputation and a soft heart hidden underneath. Score doesn’t have Minions. Score says this is “none of your business”. Sagittarius: Sagg is Dora the Explorer Always off on an adventure, always excited, always ready to go. There’s one big difference: Dora brings a map. Sagg does not. Capricorn: Cap is Bob the Builder “Can we fix it?” Yes, Cap can, on time, on budget and with a hard hat that’s always perfectly straight. Aquarius: Aqua is Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory A brilliant inventor with a secret lab, a hundred experiments and very little patience for interruptions. Aqua’s lab is in a lighthouse. The “Keep Out” sign is in Morse code. Pisces: Pike is Dory from Finding Nemo A friendly, dreamy fish who forgets things, swims wherever the current takes her and always finds her way in the end. Pike watched Finding Nemo for the first time. Then again, because she’d forgotten. Which Astrominal are you? Whatever your sign, we’re all a bit cartoony sometimes. (The Astrominals are still not cartoons. Arri has asked us to mention it again.)